I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
