im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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