I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize