I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
