Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
