some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
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