I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
