what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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