You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my being single is dangerous.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i came on her dog
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Randomize
