but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
