Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
