I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize