I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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