he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
