I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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