he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
