he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
