you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
