Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
