We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
