Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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