do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
