john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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