Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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