fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
