Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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