You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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