Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize