All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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