Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
