you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
