you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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