he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
