Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
