I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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