3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
