btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Boobs speak an international language.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
