when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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