I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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