i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
