Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
