You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Four minutes until I can fart!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
