I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Send help, water and tortillas.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
