Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
If I die, sorry about rent.
We are all done wearing pants today
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
