I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
