I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My feet surprised me
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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