I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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