i just google imaged poop.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
