why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
