I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
