he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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