a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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