Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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