I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
