She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
