Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
