i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
