I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
