nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
