i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I did not marry a roomba.
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